Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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