so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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