smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
