do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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