There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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