i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
