talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
