i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
