ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
