Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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