well I can't set my house on fire every night
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I want a musical about memes.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
