I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
