Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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