Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Randomize
