He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
