I'm laying in your front yard are you home
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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