Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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