We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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