his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
