Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
