when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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