The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
