he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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