My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
