Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize