I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
