this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
