his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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