can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
