At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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