If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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