That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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