Say something about gay babies.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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