I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
They took my balls.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
