I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize