i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
