there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
