Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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