I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
