Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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