About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just blew my weed a kiss
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
