I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
