i wish my penis had a tongue
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
