I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
