I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
That reminds me...we need to get swords
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
