hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
pray to the hookup gods
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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