fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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