I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
The best revenge is premature balding
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
