the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize