My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Found your dick twin last night
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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