i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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