i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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