discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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