i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
