If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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