I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
