Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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