I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
