literally had 100 drinks last night.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
