My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
3 2 1 whiskey
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
